Well I honestly cannot believe I'm writing another Let's Reflect year end post. It feels 2 minutes since I wrote the 2014 entry. I hope you all had a very Merry Christmas and are enjoying the festive season.
I started off this year knowing it was going to be the biggest changing year of my life so far. Even though I thought I was prepared for it, I wasn't.
I'm going to be honest, this year has been so so difficult.
There's been loads of emotions and a lot of times where I've felt lost and just confused. I've been really disappointed at myself on many occasions.
That's not to say I've not had good times too, because I seriously have, I just have been weighed down by the bad points of the year in particular.
The beginning of the year was tough in the fact that my mum was unwell in hospital and during that point my dog died, who had been my auntie's, which was a tough time because it was so sudden and somewhat traumatic day. I feel sick whenever I think about it. It was a really weird time and I do wonder how I managed to be honest and I think it was down to those close to me who did help me during that time, Eastenders 30th anniversary distraction and YouTube. Oh and my media project (more on that later!)
I did struggle with my anxiety getting worse towards the end of sixth form, with exams getting even more difficult to complete. I left sixth form, which also happened to be the school I had attended for 7 years, which was a big jump and really sad.
Leavers Ball was also a prominent moment as it was the last time our entire year group would be together and it was a really enjoyable night which led to me dancing for hours non-stop. It was a great time and everybody looked amazing and it was truly celebrating the year group we had been for the past 7 years and I still can't believe it is over.
I didn't really take to leaving school well and I was a bit overwhelmed by everything changing. Even though I thought I was prepared for it, I wasn't. After leaving school, the past few months have been some of the hardest of my life, it's definitely been really really difficult keeping a smile and keeping motivated, whilst feeling lost, worthless and stupid. It's been really tough and I still get stuck on it now to be honest, just because I feel a bit stuck. And frustrated with myself for not having the confidence to do certain things and that anxiety still has control of me.
I'm particularly grateful for the people who have been supportive and good to me.
Even though it's been a tough year there has been some moments where I've pushed on and got through things more easily or better than I first thought.
It's not all negative though, there's been good parts too!
I managed to produce a music video as part of my A Level media coursework, which I didn't really know I was capable of doing, and one of my other teachers seemed against music videos but my other media teacher encouraged me to challenge myself cos she believed I'd do a good job. I did the video to The Saturdays song 'Fall' using one of my friends as an actor and even though I do cringe at some parts of it, I am proud of what I made. I really took my time to plan it thoroughly and everything and I'm happy with it especially with my limited solo use of Adobe Premiere Pro (the programme used for editing). I did manage to get a B for it!
There's battles that have never been spoken of which I have begun to face this year. For example from February onwards I have managed to accomplish something which I never really felt I could do, it seemed impossible, but it was something I absolutely had to take control of.
Also, I managed to talk a bit more about anxiety to people around me, even my parents, although I'm not sure they really understand. Even though it doesn't feel like progress, it is certainly something which has progressed from keeping my mouth shut during earlier years.
My circle of bloggers and youtubers that I read and watch has also grown during 2015, with me becoming an avid fan of many other blogs and youtubers, which I will mention in a post coming sometime next week talking about 2015 favourites!)
I completed BlogTober in October 2015 which meant I wrote a blog post every single day of October. It was fun even though at times I was hoping my posts were enough! It is something I would definitely like to do again in 2016, but not a regular thing, I will probably either wait till October again for BlogTober or possibly do Blogmas instead! Either way, I would love to do another post-every-single-day-of-the-month sort of thing during 2016!
This also led to me doing my very first guest post for Kristina's blog, which I will link below. I wrote about how to be there for a friend with a mental illness and it has approx 311 views at the moment with comments so I am very chuffed that it got read. It was great being in Kristina's blog and it's made me realise that guest posts are something I'd like to do more of both in my own blog and for others! In terms of my blog, I have been very happy with the growing views of my blog and knowing that people are reading and hopefully enjoying my content makes me happy and hope that I can continue with that next year.
I also was featured on Chanelle Hayley's Meet the Blogger post during April, which was a great opportunity!
Here is the link if you wish to read it: https://chanellehayleyyy.wordpress.com/2015/04/15/mtb-claire/
I had some great times with friends too (for example the quest for McDonalds with Emily) which I am really grateful for and some good conversations too which makes me very happy to think back on.
Beautywise, I now own my first ever MAC lipstick from this year. I got Rebel for Christmas and it is beautiful! I also experimented with false eyelashes a bit this year although not actually out, as I'm still not a pro yet, one of my friends is though so hopefully I can learn soon from her haha!
I suppose what I've learned from all of this is that I'm still here and 2016 is just around the corner. I really really need to be more positive and appreciative this year. I said this last year but it can be hard to follow.
I really want 2016 to be a happy, healthy year for me, I want to be able to gain control of myself again and accomplish things. I know 2016 will have its hard bits as I still have to decide whether to take a leap and do university, I just hope I have the strength to keep a smile on my face as 2015 really tested me. I just want to treat myself better this next year! I'd also love to take a push with my blog and continue writing and posting content.
I hope you all have a very Happy New Year and that 2016 is a happy, healthy and successful year for us all!
Love & hugs