This post is one I made which is quite raw, basically I needed to get a few things out of my system and update you I guess. I just thought I'd mention it at the start. I do write about mental health and promoting ending the stigma of mental health and at first I considered editing this a lot more thoroughly, but decided to keep it as it was, as I want to help.
Last time I did an update on my life, it was a very positive one. I was in a good place, I was proud of myself for everything I handled this past year and I was excited for the future.
A lot has changed since then and it's kind of knocked me back into a bit of shock.
I don't want to disclose too much but very suddenly, I dealt with family illness. My dad was taken ill about 3 weeks ago and I still feel sick thinking about it, as it was pretty serious. It was 2 days before we were due to go on holiday so a lot happened in a very short space of time.
It came at a time where I suddenly started feeling really ill and had quite a bad migraine for about a week which was pretty much a bad cold and then somewhere in the middle I had a bout of food poisoning and then a really bad throat. One thing after another right? I feel like if I'd been stronger physically, it might have helped mentally.
Unfortunately, my health anxiety has worsened and it's not been like this for a good few years. It's quite difficult to manage, it just means my mind runs away with itself. I frequently feel like I'm overthinking symptoms, panicking thinking I've got all kinds of things. And then it seems to extend to other people, people I care about. It's probably a reaction to what happened to my dad as it was such a shock and it hit me very hard, its meant that I've been worrying about my best friend and my boyfriend quite a lot.
I've not had this kind of behaviour to this extent for quite a few years as I mentioned, so it's quite a shock to the system for it to return.
In regards to my dad, he's making a recovery, which I'm so, so, relieved about. I can't explain the fear I faced that initial day. I'm just so thankful for the NHS who did everything they could and acted as fast as they could. My respect for them grew enormously.
However, I feel like it's triggered a lot of stuff, or at least it seems to have, coming home I've felt a lot more anxious and overthinking a lot of things.
My carefully grafted confidence has definitely shredded, I keep being reminded of the trust issues I have and overthinking things to the point where I just feel defeated and upset.
My point is, my anxiety is very bad at the moment and arguably depression and OCD are making their returns. I've never really spoken about the latter two much as it's not an official diagnosis, it's just something I'm aware of. I hope to one day be able to discuss my experiences in more depth when I'm ready.
The health anxiety was definitely a shock to the system though as some of the things I'd been feeling I'd not felt like for a good few years, to that extent. Worrying excessively about my health and being terrified that my own illness was going to make others ill. Just horrific obsessive, ugly thoughts which kept taking up my mind.
I've realised I do have a lot of issues within myself, I do worry excessively over being judged and other peoples thoughts, too often putting other peoples' feelings above my own.
My mind is a very hurtful place for me at times.
All I can really do is spend the rest of my summer trying to build up the confidence and joy that I thought I felt a few weeks prior to the incident and try and feel better! That's what I intend to try to do now.
I send all of my love and support to those fighting both mental and physical struggles right now 💖
Love & hugs,
Additional Note: This has been written both in the last week and 2 weeks ago. Not literally the date it was published.